To Be With You

Suddenly I was gasped, thinking of you. I can not explain it, but I could feel your loneliness. I grabbed my cell phone, send you a short message. How are you doing after two years we've been split up, Hon? You're still alone, and so do I.

"Honest, until now I can not find someone like you, Hon" you said. I was flattered, hovering. My 80 kilo’s weight felt as light as goose furs. As if I was in the earth without gravitation. How I wanted to reply those words with "Marry me," but my fingers stopped moving in the air. That sentence would trigger a long and bitter quarrel like two years ago.

"Impossible," that’s what you said.

"Why?" I said quickly and sharply, innocently.

"First, your widow status."

"Second, you are eight years older than me."

"Third, I can not stand people derides at us, I want to live a normal life like everyone else, Hon."

My chest stuffed with emotion. Fortunately my chest is not a boiler with a long-pitched sounds when the water is boiling. There was no smoke come out from my ears either.

"Objection, I do not accept," I said stubbornly. I act just like an attorney who was defending the victims, in this case the victims is me. We’re double players. The victims, the lawyers, and the judges. We are judging ourselves.

"First, your prophet has nine wifes. His first wife was a widow, she’s fifteen years older. God has choosen Muhammad as the most special man on earth, so why didn’t He give a him a young virgin as Muhammad's first wife? What is the difference between Khatijah and me? We're both widows, and I'm still young, Hon." I tried to break his opinion.

"Second, which verse in the Al-Qur'an or hadist states that it is such a forbids for a bachelor to married older woman? Which one? Can you show me?" My voice tone up about three octaves I guessed.

"Third, I don’t care what other people said, Hon. This is our life, we have right to decide what we want in life. We only live once, Hon. Each people has their own way of life, they have no right to protest what we do, because it is our responsibility to God. I just want to get married, Hon. That's legitimate, lawful. Why do people forbid something permitted by the Lord? As a man who claimed as Muhammad’s follower, you should feel ashamed, "I said bitterly.

A long pause, then ...

"Well, I had been trying so hard to hold my anger," you replied. "If you act just like that, I think it’s enough, it’s the end of our relationship. I had given my shoulder for you to cry, and this is my heart for you to share, but marriage? Oh God, Honey, forget it. I don't want to be remoted by the family. Never, in the history of my family, any of us married a widow. I must be crazy. Not to mention being mocked by all friends who know us. I could not stand it, Honey." His voice was chilled.

"Wait a second, one of our office-mates is married to an older woman, seven years older, and they are just fine," I retorted.

"Honey, please do not push me. He could live like that. I can not bear the gossip for the rest of my life. Don't be stubborn, Hon," he replied impatiently.

"But Hon, you've promised me, you'll marry me before you married to someone else," I sobbed." I never forbid you to marry someone else later, the woman who could you bring into the middle of your big family. That can you show off everywhere. You are enough for me, I'm not married to your big family, Hon. I do not dream of living in their neighborhood, even though our families know each other well." His family learned the science of religion from my grandfather many years ago. That's past history, time passed, and now this is our time, me and him. We are at a crossroads, was trying to reach an agreement whether we should take the same path or have to take a different direction. I can't help the tears that keep flowing like a dam burst due to a fighter jet's bullet that hit the wrong target.

“I'm so sorry, Hon. By that time I was young, still naive. Now I have become more mature, and I have set my mind," he replied defensively. Clean up his own mess, I thought.

"I think you are childish, Hon. You are more mature a year ago compared than you are now. For the God's shake, Honey, you promised me that you will always love me, you said that we will always be together, till death do us part. I do not have much demand Hon, I do not want a house, I do not want the property, I just want you, only you, Hon. That's it. Others I don't care. Maybe I’m crazy, but I'm sure you've said it directly to me, and you also sent an sms to me," I'm still trying to survive, taking one by one the truth argument. His promise, his words, his short messages.

"You can not proof it, Honey. You lost your cell phone, and and the text was disappeared with it. So you don't have any evidence to sue me in front of my family, although I ever promised you that." I feel like I was collide by a tronton truck. Out of breath, destroyed. My soul flew away from my shapeless body. I said a condolences to myself.

A long silence, the longest one in my life, ever....

"Forget me Hon, if you really love me, forget me. Forget about our love. Try to open the door of your heart for another man. Find the man the same age as you are, or older. An established man. Who can be a be a father to your children. I can not make it Hon, I just can’t. Please don’t chose me. Your love is big, exceeding the love than I can give you. We don’t have the same measure of love, so we can’t be together." He sounds desperate.

"Bullshit, cliche, unbelievable. How do I open the door of my heart to another man if he hold the key?" I thought. My feelings mixed. Between love, anger, and pain. Couldn’t believe that my honey has betrayed our love, betrayed our pledge. To live and die as Romeo and Julliet. I wanted to curse, but I held my tongue not to utter obscenities. But if he was here standing right in front of me, I don't know if I could hold my hand not to slap his angel face. I've never slapped any people yet in my life. I hate violence. I love peace.

"I've been married to a man who was seven years older than me, Hon. My kids have a biological father, but I'm not happy. He did not love me. He betrayed me and my children. He abandoned us all. I don't need an established older man, what I need is love. I need to be appreciated. I need someone who understands me. Please don't do this to us, Hon," I never beg any man my whole life, but today I begged him like a creature begging the God not to revoke his life.

"Stubborn! Stop crying. I hate listening woman crying on the phone. This is my decision. So far I've tried to forget your love. I emptied your name from my heart, so I could bring another women into it. Our relationships is like an endless shadows. How long we can go on like this? I'm tired." And that conversation, and my life stopped at that very moment.

Every debate we had eventually always come back to the first sentence, "Then marry me, Hon. So our relationship has a certain shaped, does not like a shadow." It's just like a vicious circle, you have no idea at all where does it starts or where does it ends. We played on the chessboard of life with the same pattern.


The Island, January 9th, 2010